Jul 12 2010
Spain won the World Cup today with a 1-0 victory in extra time. That’s great news, because now we can finally stop pretending that we care about soccer.
Here are a few reasons why soccer is an awful sport:
-Too little scoring. Is it really fun to watch a 1-0 soccer game? No. Because that means for nearly 90 minutes, all you are watching is people kick a ball back and forth. Is there strategy involved? Sure. But really, who wants to study the sport long enough to enjoy a 1-0 game. Not me.
-Diving. Soccer is played on an enormous field with just a couple of referees. What does this mean? Players are diving all the time, and the acting is usually atrocious. But from a distance, dives sometimes look legit, and they do often end up impacting a game. How is this a sport again?
-Awful Calls. Aside from diving, the refs are so spread out that they often don’t have a good angle for a call. A clear goal by the UK wasn’t counted, simply because a ref didn’t see it. Now, mistakes happen in all sports, but when you have a sport with so few scores, you should get them right. Even when a goal is scored, you kind of wait to see if a ref is going to make some BS call to disallow it. Like that guy Koman Coulibaly, who incidentally has an interesting blog here.
-No instant replay. I never get why sports refuse to use instant replay. Sure, it’s traditional not to use instant replay, but it’s also traditional for only 20,000 fans to see your sport live, while the rest of the world hears about scores a day later in the newspaper. But with 24/7 live TV and the Internet, holding on to tradition doesn’t make sense. The worst part is that eventually every sport will use instant replay, but the tipping point will be a blown call at a critical moment that will most likely rob a player of an important score or something. Why not just use instant replay now?
-Traditions. Speaking of traditions, why are there so many retarded traditions with soccer? Do we really have to listen to 90 minutes of vuvuzelas? Is this why I paid extra for an HD TV with surround sound?
And why is rape such a big problem in Africa? It seems like the vuvuzelas would make a great whistle. But it doesn’t. Why? Because too many assholes are playing the vuvuzelas during soccer games, so you just get used to the sound. Dumb.
-Celebrations. TJFKAK recently mentioned that she thought the horn after Flyers goals was too long. How about the five minute orgy that follows every soccer goal? Not to mention the asshole announcers that make a name for themselves by yelling “gggooooaaaalll” as long as possible. I get that there aren’t a lot of goals in soccer, but that doesn’t give you a license to lose all sense of sportsmanship and class and slide across the field on your belly.
-Extra time. JUST SAY HOW MUCH TIME IS LEFT ON THE FUCKING SCOREBOARD. Why do we have to guess? Really, is that so hard? Why don’t the refs not tell us which goals have been counted either. That would make things reaaaallly exciting.
-US loses to Ghana. I don’t mean to seem pompous, but the US is a really big and rich country. How can we lose to Ghana? I’ll tell you how:
-Our best athletes don’t give a shit about soccer. Why didn’t LeBron make an hour long announcement of what soccer team he’s going to play for? Because America’s best athletes don’t play soccer. There’s no money in the sport, at least in the US, not to mention it’s inaccessible to many kids. American kids play basketball or football or baseball, which means the remaining athletes are likely choosing between lacrosse and soccer. That’s why we lose to teams from small African nations. Is that fun to watch? No. That’s why handicapped basketball hasn’t become a big sport in the US either.
-We have better sports. Why is soccer so popular? Because it’s cheap. All you need is a ball. That’s why it’s popular in places like Ghana. But in the US, we don’t need these cheap sports. We’re able to afford bats, helmets, shoulder pads, Air Jordans and all three parts of the Gatorade G series. We have better sports, lets care about those.
Either way, the world cup is over today, so we can stop talking about it, stop discussing soccer like we know anything about the sport’s strategy, and stop pretending like we care about the US team.