So there was a Woot! Off on Wednesday, which ended unceremoniously after one day.  Lame.

But tonight there is another Woot! Off going on.  Wtf?  Seems like Woot is mixing things up.

I bet you thought Sur La Table just sold overpriced kitchen gear.  Well, until April 30, the company is providing free professional knife sharpening for up to two knives.

If you have a nice knife that you don’t want to sharpen yourself – a good idea if you’re not familiar with knife sharpening – then take them to your local Sur La Table store.  They’ll use their ChefsChoice commercial sharpener to give your knives a new edge.  Keep in mind that sharpening may take up to 48 hours, so don’t take in your knife right before a meal.

Look, we all know Tiger Woods did some pretty bad things.  But today, new text messages between Tiger and porn star Joslyn James emerged, and…let’s face it, Tiger just totally redeemed himself.

Just like how Thomas Jefferson’s ownership of slaves is overlooked because he wrote the Declaration of Independence, I think Tiger’s texts to Joslyn James are so great we have to forgive him.  Forget the press conference, forget him hugging his mom.  He gave us the best text transcript.  Ever.

You can see a full transcript of Woods’ texts here.  But let me give you a few highlights:

• Ok. I would like to have a threesome with you and another girl you trust
• I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you
• Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat
• Hold you down while i choke you and Fuck that ass that i own
• Then im going to tell you to shut the Fuck up while i slap your face and pull your hair for making noise
• Next time i see you, you better beg and if you don’t do it right i will slap, spank, bite and fuck you till mercy
• Have you ever had a golden shower done to you
• Hurry so i come in that ass

Now really, how can you not love Tiger after that?  All this time he seemed so clean and dorky.  But no, the real Tiger was doing ass-to-mouth with porn stars.  Oh, and don’t forget the golden showers.

With these texts in mind, how could Tiger not cheat?  Like, don’t you kind of understand his dilemma after reading this?

Michael Moore’s Capitalism:  A Love Story came out on DVD recently, giving us more of Moore’s anti-corporate, pro little guy shtick.  This time, Moore focuses on the mortgage crisis and its impact on American homeowners and workers.

Moore does a pretty good job of highlighting greed by American corporations.  Of course, Moore sprinkles in a bunch of hard luck stories that are make us get angry at rich people and feel bad for the poor.  Towards the end, Moore plays a clip from FDR and asks us why things like shelter, a job, education and food aren’t guaranteed for all

Americans.

It’s interesting though that while Moore is hammering corporations, he doesn’t hold individuals accountable for their decisions.  After all, individual greed was behind many of the refinances that caused the mortgage crisis.  People refinanced their homes to get cash, and then spent this cash on products rather than insuring that they would be able to pay off their mortgages.

Moore also accuses banks of hiding variable interest rates in ‘fine print.’  But really, if you’re dealing with a six or seven figure mortgage, don’t individuals have the responsibility to take some time and read the fine print, and understand what they’re signing?

You can make as many laws as you want, but at the end of the day if individuals are making deals that they can’t afford and don’t understand, they will be ripped off.  That’s not a problem with capitalism…that’s natural selection.

Really, I think the moral of the story here is that capitalism is not for morons.  And that’s true of any situation that involves lots of cash.

What’s more troubling though, is that Moore calls for protests by citizens when they feel like they’ve been wronged by big corporations.  Is that really the solution here?  If you make bad financial decisions and your property is rightfully seized by your debtors, it isn’t virtuous to protest – it’s breaking the promise that you made.

Moore also extols the virtues of a socialism, which is utterly ridiculous.  Modifying our government to cater the lowest common denominator will make America less competitive while protecting the people in our society that contribute the least.

That may sound like a good idea when you’re looking at a poor family being evicted from their homes.  But it’s not such a good idea when you see the thousand dollar rims on their 86 Honda Accord.

Howard Stern has been catching a ton of flack this week for calling Precious star Gabourey Sidibe fat.  That’s right, the same media that slams women for wearing a dress with the wrong cut or an out-of-style color is defending Sidibe’s looks.

Even stars are praising Sidibe’s looks with a straight face.  Many Oscar attendees, including Oprah, called Sidibe “beautiful” or something similar.

Why won’t anyone call Sidibe fat?

I mean, if someone is a smoker, every asshole on the block will remind them that smoking is unhealthy, or do the “your smoke is bothering me” cough as they walk by.

But a four hundred pound girl walks up on stage and suddenly no one can be critical.  Look, Sidibe is dangerously obese.  She doesn’t have a bad habit that may kill her in 50 years – she has a weight problem that could kill her tomorrow or at least lead to serious problems like diabetes.

Why don’t the same assholes that complain about smokers turn around and complain that fatties like Sidibe are unhealthy and cost American taxpayers when they have medical issues or go on disability because of their enormous guts?  I mean, at least smokers are taxed – a cigarette pack that costs 25 cents to make costs $7 or more thanks to taxes that in turn pay for the education of children and healthcare.  Fatties like Sidibe don’t pay for the costs that they will surely incur on taxpayers down the road.

And yet she’s beautiful.

Look, if we’re going to justify cigarette taxes because of heath care costs, we gotta tax the obese also.  Otherwise, the public should have the balls to just come out and say what anti-smoking measures are:  a witch hunt against an unpopular bad habit.

Praising Sidibe isn’t only bad for Sidibe, it’s bad for fat people everywhere.  The idea that someone can be beautiful even when they’re unhealthily obese gives people the idea that obesity is OK.

But it’s not.

Just like Joe Camel shouldn’t be telling kids that smoking is cool, celebrities should not be on camera praising the appearance of the obese.

So was Stern wrong to call Sidibe enormous?  Not at all.  Incredibly, as superficial and vapid hollywood reporters are today, only Stern had the balls to call a spade a spade.  Sidibe is obese, she’s not healthy, and she sets a poor standard for her fans.

Yes, the 82nd Annual Oscar awards ceremony was held this Sunday, and there were quite a few surprises.

First of all, Avatar didn’t win any major awards, which I think was certainly a good move.  I watched a downloaded copy of Avatar recently, and without the 3D and big screen the movie just doesn’t hold up.  I think most of the appeal of Avatar is the technology – I mean, the story is awful – so while Avatar should win every technical award out there, it certainly should not win for anything that actually has to do with acting or a story.

Mo’Nique won best supporting actress, which I think was a huge mistake.  I don’t mean to sound racist here, but is it really that tough for a black woman to play an angry crack head?  I mean, she grew up in Baltimore and anyone who has seen The Wire can surmise that she grew up in an environment that was filled with Precious-like situations.

It’s kind of like giving The Situation an award for being an Italian douche.  He’s lived in that environment his whole life, so acting like a guido isn’t that much of a stretch.  I think either actress from Up in the Air should have won the best supporting award.

The Hurt Locker won for best picture and best director.  It was definitely a good movie that was entertaining to watch.  But at the same time, a movie about what is happening right now in Iraq doesn’t seem that unique or ground breaking.  If creativity is a key criterion for best picture, which it should be, I don’t think Hurt Locker should have won.

Sandra Bullock won for best actress, although it was kind of surprising that she was even nominated in the first place.  Disney-style, feel good family movies don’t really get that much attention in the Oscars, and The Blind Side definitely was in that bucket.

Bullock did a good job as a strong-willed Southern woman, but is that really a difficult role to play?  Sure, it’s easy for me to monday-morning-quarterback, but it seems like the highlight of her performance was a so-so Southern accent.

I still think Meryl Streep did a better job in Julie and Julia.  I mean, she played Julia Child so well that the image of Streep has kind of replaced the actual memories of Julia Child for me.

At the end of the day though, the Oscars aren’t much more than a popularity contest among Hollywood, and since I didn’t have any money on the event I don’t really care.

How could a bloody mary possibly get any better?  Try adding the flavor of bacon.

Yes, Bakon Vodka is infused with the flavor of everyone’s favorite greasy breakfast food.  Even better, Bakon Vodka is made from potatoes, so it’s practically a full breakfast in a drink.

Sure, having vodka that tastes like bacon does slightly limit your mixing potential – a bacon flavored White Russian isn’t exactly appealing.

But at the same time, think of all the possibilities…bacon marys, bacon martinis, long bacon ice tea?!

Sadly, Bakon Vodka is in limited distribution, so you’ll most likely have to order the spirit online.  Check this link out for more information.

Normally a patch of grass that costs $90 will have some medicinal qualities.  But the patch above is more sentimental, especially if you’re a fan of the Yankees.

When the old Yankees stadium was torn down, the grass from the stadium was rolled up, cut into 3 inch square pieces and freeze dried.  Now, for $90 you can buy said grass in its own engraved display case.

Since the grass was freeze dried, it will maintain the same appearance over the years.  In other words, you won’t end up with a bunch of dirt as the grass decays.  I suppose this is a cool gift for a big Yankees fan.  But on the other hand, it does leave you with a patch of grass in a display case, which isn’t a good look for most people.