You: white haired woman about 70 years old, wearing the bret “the hitman”  hart wrap-around sunglasses. driving the 1984 beat-up white Toyota corolla.

I saw you coming out of the Mollie Stones on Steiner yesterday.  You honked at me angrily as I exercised my right of way and drove past you trying to take a left.  You then pulled behind me and honked your rusty horn several more times implying you thought I was going too slow.  I looked at you with a puzzled stare through my rear view mirror.  I thought we made a connection.  If you are reading this and I assume you are, send me an email and we can grab some coffee (if your doctor is allowing caffeine in your diet.)  I’d love to hear why you are in a constant rush to get anywhere at 70 years old.  You’re pure contempt of me is so visceral, I’d love to develop the relationship further.  I’ll be the one to pick you up.

-Sushi attack

Dear Indian girl with laser engraved crystals on dashboard,

I saw you today while you were driving on Alma. You were in a white Hyundai accent. When I pulled up next to you at the stop light, I couldn’t help but notice that there was a line of laser engraved crystals on your dashboard.

I think this is a really bad idea for several reasons:

First, if you ever get into an accident and the passenger-side airbag deploys, who ever is sitting in the passenger seat will have these crystals propelled at their face at 220 miles per hour (I’m not making that figure up, either). If that person survives, 1) they will be upset at you, 2) their face will be horribly disfigured. This is how supervillians are created.

Secondly, if your car ever rolls over in an accident, and let’s be honest, it’s a Hyundai accent, your car will go flying if you hit anything larger than a beetle, do you want more, or less glass flying around in the car with you? Less, right? Thought so.

Finally, you really shouldn’t be looking at these crystals when you’re driving in the first place, and additionally, although these crystals are known for the beautiful rainbow colored prismatic effect, you really don’t need a rainbow in your eye when driving. Yes, all colors of the rainbow can blind you.

I would like to say I understand, but there is no redeeming value of these laser engraved crystals. The people’s faces in them BARELY look like the actual photo, and more often than not turn out looking like a big white blob imprisoned in a crystal. Or like princess leia when she sent videos to luke through R2D2.

And frankly, these kind of tacky trinkets are what give minorities and FOBs a bad name. I understand girls like to look at pictures and whatnot, and I’m sure that once you bought all these laser engraved crystals you figured out that there was really very little use for them, but your dashboard is not the place. If you INSIST on looking at pictures while driving, try a photo. See, a photo will not rip your face apart, burying glass into your skull, when deployed at 220 mph.